


"Eat"

by MaxandMatthew24



Series: The Endless Intrusive Thoughts Train [6]
Category: Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Eating Disorders, Intrusive Thoughts, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29419113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaxandMatthew24/pseuds/MaxandMatthew24
Summary: PLEASE READ THE TAGS BEFORE READINGDO NOT READ IF THE TAGS MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE
Series: The Endless Intrusive Thoughts Train [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2069916
Kudos: 3





	"Eat"

**Author's Note:**

> don't mind me projecting onto chika
> 
> ok so I normally wouldn't project so much on chika but i'm gonna project in terms of having older sisters and tbh don't think eating disorder fits but idk how to explain it my brain is mad weird
> 
> don't know who to project my eating issues onto so it's whoever I feel like lmao

Chika picked at her food. Taking very small bites and hesitates before eating another bite. She knew she was hungry but there was something inside her telling her not to eat. Her mother noticed. 

“Eat.” She yelled. 

Chika sat there, scared. She ate a bit more but it wasn’t enough. She looked at her sisters’ and parents’ plates. They were almost done while she barely made a dent. Soon enough, everyone started to leave the table and clean up after themselves. Leaving Chika sitting at the table. 

“...I’m not hungry…” She lies. It was like she needed to get out of the kitchen now. 

“No, you have to eat.” Her mother once again yells. Chika eats a few more bites before running off when her mother wasn’t looking. Running to hide under her blankets. A little while goes by and her mother tells her that they’re going somewhere. Chika didn’t have much of a choice and went with her. 

It was the hospital again. Chika had her stuffed dog she’s had since the five years she’s been alive with her. She held it close as she’s put on a bed with scary-looking equipment around her. The doctor comes in and does a check on her. Chika was confused about what’s going on. 

The doctor instructs the nurses to put an IV in her arm. Chika started crying, screaming, and kicking at the realization of what’s gonna happen. The doctor tried to reassure her that it’s just a tube. Offering for her to poke it to show that it’s not sharp. 

After some restraints from the nurses and reassuring words from the doctor, Chika was able to calm down enough so the nurses can put the IV in her. Giving her nutrition for being malnourished. The doctor gives her a coloring book and a small cup of juice. Chika happily colored away, not noticing the doctor pulling her mother aside. 

Soon, two police officers showed up. Chika looked up and saw the officers, confused by their presence. They started talking to her mother but Chika couldn’t hear the conversation. After an hour, Chika was off the IV and released. “You’re going to be taken away if you don’t eat. Please, eat.” Her mother says to her on the way home. She’s scared, she doesn’t want to be taken from her family. But the fear of being taken away makes her not want to eat more. It was something she couldn’t explain why she’s doing it. And will never be able to explain. 

.  
.  
.

Chika is sitting at the lunch table at the back of the lunch room. Only two others are sitting with her, her best friend You, and other student. You was talking to their classmates while Chika took out her lunch bag. Everyone around her had either packed lunch or school lunch but Chika had a nutrition shake and a small bag of cereal. It was chocolate today. She didn’t touch the cereal, least not right now. She barely eats any meals during the day and would pick at her dinner. It’s been like this for a while now. 

The feeling came back again. She was hungry but there was something inside of her telling her not to eat. Her sisters say that it’s an eating disorder. Even offering to take her to the gym so she could lose weight. But Chika didn’t care about her weight, why would she? What average 10 year old is going to care about their weight? 

At dinner, she once again tries to sneak off to the bathroom in the middle of eating. To give herself some space so she could eat more. But tonight, her father wasn’t having it. Chika tried to get up but her father looked at her, “No, sit.” He said aggressively. Chika had no choice but to say seated. She was scared again when her mother started yelling at her again. 

“You have to eat! You’re going to be taken away for us! Do you want that?! Do you want to be taken away from your mommy and daddy?!” She yells. Chika felt like crying. Her eyes started watering but she fought to tears back. Only being to respond by shaking her head no, her mother continued. “Then eat!” 

Shimo and Mito only watched on as their mother yelled at Chika. Once in a while, Mito would join in with their mother. Soon enough, Chika runs out of the kitchen. Leaving more than half of her plate still full. Going in her room and hiding under the tent she made from her blankets and pillows in her room. It was the only place where she felt safe. Where no one could hurt her. 

.  
.  
.

Chika woke up in the darkness of her assigned room. For her safety, she was put in a psychiatric ward. Having thoughts about assaulting others both physically and sexually, thoughts of harming herself, and planning to end her own life was overwhelming. Keeping her grades at a decent range and having to switch out of harder classes was too much for her on top of being a school idol. Nothing felt like it mattered anymore, she can no longer eat foods she use to love from how sever her anxiety has gotten, and her very ferquent anxiety attacks makes it hard to go day by day. 

Being alone in the cold room gave her time to reflect everything that lead to this point. As well as realizing how she could’ve died at the age 5 and 10, especially 10, from how poorly she’s been eating. It was scary to be somewhere that she couldn’t leave. Without her family. Without her friends. Just surrounded by her fellow peers who were put here and the caregivers in the small ward. 

Every part of her wishes she knew why she was the one who went through all of that. It feels like everything was her fault and there was no convincing her otherwise. She wishes she can go back in time and talk to her younger self and find out what started it. It’s been nothing but consistent fear the last 11 years. Not a day would go by without her thinking about those months when she was 5 and 10. It scares her every day of a possibility that she’ll go back to that state. She has extremely bad anxiety attacks when she gets too hungry on a normal day. 

It felt like she couldn’t have a normal life living with all the anxiety. She planned out how she would do it and now here she was, in a hospital crying about something that happened 11 years that she can’t stop thinking about. The flashback tended to be hard and tense, seeing herself in the hospital bed from being 5 and the constant running away from the dinner table in fear and hungry. She never wants to be like that again. But she knows it’ll be years before she’s able to accept that those events happened to her and try to heal from it. She wants to try at the cost of reliving it again to heal.

**Author's Note:**

> if you think i should add/change a tag let me know


End file.
